Humility, Patience and Self-Control

I have spent the past week since arriving in Kampala making contacts and trying to obtain clearance for my research in the North. It’s been, quite surprisingly, a very fruitful endeavor overall: I’ve obtained official clearance and papers from the government and the Ugandan People’s Defense Army to conduct research in the northern districts. But my overall experience has been sprinkled with quite a few setbacks and technical frustrations as well. In the span of about 7 days, I had an unexpectedly long, 24 hour layover in Nairobi resulting in a nightmarish stay in the Kenya airport; I broke my phone during a critical time when I was in the midst of making contacts for the trip north (and that’s the primary form of communication everyone or anyone relies on here); Spent a whole, wet-rainy afternoon trying to find a way to fix my phone, which entailed wandering the streets with two young men, complete strangers, (I had no idea where they were leading me but was hoping and praying that they would not rob, kill or abduct me, or worse – fortunately, it ended up being just fine); Waited in long lines at the bank that make the post office seem like a walk in the park; Got completely drenched in the rain in one of the surprise downpours that tend to happen every so often here in Uganda (and quite unexpectedly for an hour or several at a time) on an otherwise very sunny day. Spent a sleepless Sunday night at the University of Makerere guesthouse because there was loud music blaring from a house a block away (sidenote: Ugandans know how to party all night and drink like there’s no tomorrow….); and spent an afternoon trying to send two emails to process research clearance from Columbia, which continually got erased or would not go through. This and more. I think you get my point. Things are not quite efficient, convenient or fast-paced here. In fact, life here can be quite frustrating at times. A simple act like making a phone call (there is no voice mail here – either you reach them on-the-spot, you keep trying, or you give up); getting from place to place – most people get around riding boda-bodas -- bicycles on an engine which tend to be driven with abandon and flair for better or worse by young male drivers (I thought I was going to die on my first ride, and still have a strong awareness of my own mortality whenever I get on one of those things); charging your phone or computer – electricity is a hit or miss – power goes out without notice on any given day and may take hours to days to come back – are simply treated as everyday occurrences here. It’s quite an interesting life, if not frustrating for someone used to the cushy-ness and comfort of life in the United States.

And yet all of these small ‘setbacks’ and frustrations, as strange as this sounds, are what have been the spice and flavor of my time in Uganda so far – somehow my time and life here feels extremely valuable, even as you are aware of its fragility – I am acutely aware of my own reliance on people on the importance of integrity in what I do, how I do it; and what I say, and how I say it…I am acutely aware that what I say and do can either speak life or death, encouragement and hope or discouragement into the lives of others, even if they are strangers. As well, the ‘setbacks’ mentioned above, have revealed important tidbits about me and my narrow, Western oriented brain. Things I initially attributed to “African culture” – have shown themselves to be really a reflection of issues in my own heart, character and attitude which I have learned and adopted in the United States, but show themselves to be what they are, a lack, or something, of virtues, which would, if I fully possessed them, would make life easier in Uganda. In the end, the minor setbacks I have experienced here in the past week have ended up revealing to me much about my weaknesses and limitations; and somehow it’s been as liberating and refreshing as it has been humbling.

For one, I am much more aware of my total dependence on others; and on God. In the US, I think I carried – and I think it’s somehow easier to carry on -- the illusion that we are somehow independent individuals. Because everything is set up so that you need not interact beyond the superficial level in order to get what you want when you need it; US(ers) as I will call them now (the double-entendre is intentional; and of course, I implicate myself in using the label) are quite used to having things go their way, on their terms, when and how they need it. Manipulation of others is a way of life – we don’t even bother to think about it as such. All you need is money and a computer, or a phone and viola – there you are – food, friend, fun.

Here, manipulation is obvious. Either you are manipulating someone or you are not – there is very little in between. I know, this sounds a bit farfetched and exaggerated, but I hope you will bear with me as I try to sort this out…It’s not that African culture is necessarily different in this regard; but what has struck me in the small ‘setbacks’ of not getting what I want, where I want when I needed it – I have realized something really fundamental about something I took for granted in the US – something that is troubling when you really think about it long enough. US culture and life is pervaded by a sense of impersonal manipulation. In Uganda, it’s personal – if you manipulate, it’s obvious because you are dealing on a more personal level every day. And either someone wants something from you or you want something from them, or there is a genuine desire to just love, care and enjoy one another’s company. It’s either or, and when it’s mixed you feel it. You sense the manipulation – it’s simple and unadulterated – but because it is – you also trust people more – it’s not a structural problem, it’s not quite institutionalized….In the US, however, we are so used to others servicing us and giving us what we need on our terms; that when it doesn’t happen – rather than giving the benefit of the doubt, or calmly considering alternatives, or heaven forbid, waiting patiently, we take matters into our own hands. Why else is the US fraught with law suits?

Waiting in line, dealing with the slower pace of life and of attitudes and ways of relating has been a very humbling and liberating experience for me. Humbling because I realize that as much as I can take for granted that things operate more efficiently in the US; I realize that the product of all the efficiency has only served to produce in me an impatience when things just don’t go just so, on my timetable and in the manner I would expect and want. That’s been a huge eye-opener for me. Yesterday, I was waiting in line for a teller – there was only one gentleman in front of me; and I had someone waiting for me outside who I had promised to meet an hour prior…suffice it to say, I was not in a mood to wait in a line for something I felt I needed two hours ago. I asked the teller how long it might take to process my request – she said, “5 minutes”. 10 minutes passed by and I started to huff and puff – visibly. This must have prompted the person, George, one of the two complete strangers I mentioned in the initial paragraph who helped me to fix my phone -- waiting with me in line to comment, “Yes, Africa is very slow…it’s not like this in the US, is it? People just take their time here. They don’t care if you’re in a rush…” I listened to this observation but didn’t really process it – only nodding in agreement, and grateful for someone’s acknowledgment that my impatience was somehow legitimate and understandable.

But now, I think about George’s comment and I feel a bit sorry and sad. Because only in hindsight do I feel fully the weight of the self-deprecating sentiment behind these words and what they were really communicating…that somehow Africans were slower and less ‘good’ than Americans. That somehow I was justified in being impatient and frustrated because in America things would never be this slow. And now George is left with the reinforced belief that America is a better place.

I want to tell George that America is not necessarily a better place – ok, yes, better in some major respects – cleaner, more efficient, predictable, wealthier…but not necessarily a better place for the kind of people such a society tends to produce. People like me. People who have never learned what it means to have true humility. People who have yet to learn how to relate to others without trying to use or manipulate them in some way. People who have yet to learn what it means to have patience and self-control…When I really thought about this incident and the many others that have occurred this past week since arriving in Africa, I saw very clearly that God seemed to be teaching me about a number of areas in my life and in my character that were deeply skewed – and largely because I was raised in a type of society that failed to address these flaws and even encouraged them in me: pride, impatience, and selfishness: a belief that I could do what I want, when I want, anytime I want. I hope you will bear with me as I attempt to address these topics and what I have learned briefly, in turn:

HUMILITY: I realize how easy it is, after the small incidents like that of waiting in the bank could have easily led me to conclude that the US was just simply ‘better’ and more efficient.’ At the time of these incidents, I was very inclined to conclude that I’d rather live in the US than Africa any day…But. This cannot be right. There is a gap between the frustration I have experienced in these small setbacks and how I feel overall here in Uganda…there is a large gap, indeed. What explains why I feel more happy and alive, despite these setbacks? What explains the deeper sense of connectedness I feel with people here and a more genuine way of relating that I find rare in the US? What explains the deeper joy and satisfaction I have despite the lack of creature comforts and efficiency available to me in the US?

I realize that my US- minded “user-friendly” mindset had actually made it difficult for me to consider that others may be better and on equal terms than myself, even if they did not function or operate on the same wavelength. As I reflect on the attitude of the teller and others I have felt unjustly waiting for in lines, in planes and other public places; they were making me wait because they were actually treating the other people or customers before me with an attitude other than ‘you are someone I need to get on with before moving onto the next person’ kind of mindset. They were chatting with their customer, asking about family, life – they weren’t allowing the end goal stand in the way of treating the person as a person.

PATIENCE: Along with this lesson, I have started to learn the value of patience. Loving and caring aren’t meant to be instantaneous. Once you start to treat and see people as people, you realize that it takes time, patience, energy, a giving of yourself. Things do not happen on the timetable you dictate or desire. Things don’t go the way you want or expect them to go. But once you let go of these self-imposed schedules, you are freed up to really care, to really relate and to enjoy what life brings. There is room for a deeper capacity for love, freedom and joy in relating to others. Patience produces an appreciation for the other as a soul, a brother and sister – patience produces humility and deepens one’s ability to love…it’s ok and normal to wait. As the old saying goes, “patience is a virtue.”

SELF-CONTROL: It occurs to me as I reflect on this character quality, that some of the greatest figures in the Bible were people who resisted taking matters into their own hands, even when severely tempted to do so. Actually, vice versa holds true as well – some of the most castigated figures (Saul, in the Old Testament, for example) were those who decided to take matters into their own hands either out of fear, frustration or anger, or lack of faith. On the other hand, those who were able to give up their will for God, to trust in Him and His provision, were blessed and favored for generations. I won’t go into a description of all the people – you can always read about it yourself in the Bible – but it’s interesting to see how this important quality seemed to play out in different peoples’ lives historically, in their relationship to God. As it relates to what I have been learning – again, it ties so closely to the other two qualities I think God has been teaching me about: patience and humility. When you realize that you are not the owner and creator of your universe, your life or others’ you are finally able to embrace the grace of God – to allow the one who knows and loves you best to guide and direct you. I have been so inclined to take matters into my own hands and it has usually led to either a foolhardy assessment of a situation, or a bit of embarrassment or both…but when I am able to have self-control, I see that the world does not revolve around me and my feelings – my ability to exercise self-control gives space to others to move on my behalf, it creates a space for mutual respect and love; and more importantly, it allows God to work. There is a harmony and peace that results when one places faith in the miracles that God can carry out, if you will only trust Him first instead of taking matters into your own hands. Anger or frustration does not mean you need to take it out or express it others. More importantly, the minor setbacks which have tested my ability to exercise self-control have yielded amazing blessings in disguise. The plane delay allowed me to make contacts and have conversations with people who would have otherwise have been strangers; the wait and long lines have given me a deeper awareness of my dependence on God, the ways in which in the midst of small details, it pays to have patience, to be humble and to trust that God is in control, even when you don’t know why or how He is working in a situation. Even when you feel like taking matters into your own hands.

Thank you for showing me my need and your desire to grow in me greater faith in Your power to work in and through me and weak and broken people like me, despite our weaknesses and limitations. Thank you for teaching me more about what it means to be humble, patient and self-controlled. You have said that you use weak things, broken things, things that are not, to shame those that are…I think I understand better what you meant. Seeing my need for greater patience, humility, and self-control – has given me insight and a better understanding of your grace, mercy and love.

Wow, God.